Goodbye 2007

Just about 8 Years ago we thought the world was gonna end.

Y2K we called it.

So much for optimism.

I have high hopes for the New Year.

I'm just gonna live this year through, see what happens, hope it's great and it will be this time again next year before we know it.

Also, a note about 2008. As many may know, it's a Leap Year. That means one extra day, one extra chance to do great or fuck up, I'm planning to use that day well.

So Happy New Year everybody.
Be safe.
Take care.
See you in 2008, or about 50 minutes.

Love,
Erick

[Realization] Happy X-mas (My War Against Myself Is Over)

The way I had been acting was insane.
I realized that.
I will act differently and in fact, I already am different.
Nothing of what I had become will ever come back.
It took all this to show me, and it was perhaps the worst way to realize, but it happened and it's helped me sooo much.

I wait now.

This year was one of the most fluctuating years I have ever had and I hope for a great New Year.

We'll see what happens.

This might be my last post (maybe second to last, depending on how I feel within the next couple weeks) of 2007.

Thanks to all who have read, will read and do read and follow this blog.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Have a Happy New Year, be safe.

Take care.

See you in 2008.

Love,
Erick

What Would Have Been Twenty-One

Today would have been Twenty-One.
I'm not going to forget that...ever.

I had a pretty good day today.
It was pretty fun.
I felt happy, for the most part.
But there's still that piece of me that's missing...
I know where it is, but it's not about getting it back, but more so going on without it and hoping I can get it back later.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to do this, but I suppose I've got to...don't have much of a choice.
At times it seems almost impossible...well, actually, at times it seems completely impossible.
At other times, I stop and think, "I can do this..." only to contradict myself later.
Time will do everything. It will tell, it will fix, it will "heal", but it will never make me forget or feel any differently than I do.

Those feelings will never go away, but I must stow them away for hopeful future use.

As for now...

I have to live...or at least try to.

Decided

I am no longer split in two, but rather I am one again.
I've realized what I want, what I need.

I thought I wasn't lonely, and, I know I wasn't, but there was still something missing inside of me that will always be missing inside of me because it belongs with her. It will be missing until she returns with it. I say until to be hopeful because, obviously, she may not return, but I don't live in a world of 'ifs'.

Commonly asked questions.

"What if you had a million dollars?"

Well, I don't.

"What if you were famous?"

Well, I'm not.

Sure, it is possible to get there, so ask me again if I'm ever there.

I know what I want.
I will rephrase that...
I know what I want that I can have, things I want to do that I can do.
If I had what I wanted, I wouldn't have had any dilemma to begin with.

I am decided.

I am hopeful.

Well, These Bones Are Mere Accessories

Not too long ago I discovered a band called Envy on the Coast. They're an amazing band and their debut album came out in August and I was fortunate enough to see them at Warped Tour in August. I hadn't heard them, only heard of them, but they blew me away at Warped. I just picked up their album recently and to say the least it is amazing. But in particular, there is a song on it called "The Gift of Paralysis" that has me really hooked cause it hit me like..bullseye. The way I've been feeling, the way I feel and a feeling that I want to resolve however I do that. I honestly hope everything turns out great, no matter how it turns out, I just want it to be good.

But mainly in the song, these are the lines that really hit me the most.

To
own
a
he♥rt
that's
ha/lf
of
yours

These
bones
are
mere
accessories

Throwing Punches
at
Ocean Waves

Wait...

For how long?

Of all the bumps we had come over
we had never come across a pothole
but this time
we have
and I have fallen in.

Words have been said,
mistakes have been made,
I am sorry is not to make up for anything
(because I know I can't)
but rather
to let know you that I truly am sorry.

Realization
I fucked up.
Simple as that.

I am truly sorry.

Wait...
but for how long?

However long it takes
Life may end at any given moment
but I've got forever.

Time, befriend me.

Matter Over Mind

To set your mind above and beyond.

Mind over Matter.

But it's my heart that matters

Heart>Mind

I will give up my logical reasons to live
for the seemingly illogical true love in my heart any day.

It's been a while...again...

I find myself with less and less to say lately.
My mind has been betraying me and I'm afraid my words will do the same.
I don't take my own advice...well..I do, but only to a certain extent.
Me alone equals not good cause no matter how much I tell people to not think about things, things get thunk about and the end results are confusion and frustration often accompanied with reddening eyes.


Unintentionally, a lot of things have gone Siamese on me and no matter how much I tell myself one thing, no matter how true it is, there is another thing to accompany it, that is also equally as true, but just sort of turns things into a complex series of patterns that just keep repeating and repeating in my mind and in my heart.

I am split in two
past and present
one left behind
one to move on
I am scared
I am lonely
I am sad
I am happy
I am ecstatic
I am not lonely anymore

where does it go?
It goes where it wants
But where does it truly want to be?
It wants to be where it should.
But where should it be?

Everything in the world is great.
I can't be alone
if I'm alone
I remember how unfair this world is
but how great this world is as well.

I don't know
but I do know
but I don't
I will know...

eventually.

Four-day Hiatus.

Forgive my lack of posts all who bother to read.

I am kind of indifferent to the world at the moment, so I haven't much to write about.
Rather, I am just soaking in the radiant glow of this current state of happiness.

But alas, I suppose I will start writing again soon enough, as for now, you can have this...


11/20/07
I was sitting down on a bench at school, which is infested with cute furry creatures that come from horticultural hell that we like to call bunnies, and there was one about medium sized, very pretty, being chased by a big ugly gray rabbit. This lady was standing there watching, her eyes on the bunny that was being chased and looked in need of help. I turn away for a moment to continue my work, and I look back and this lady is holding this bunny, who is being quite calm, and petting it. I was amazed. I picked up a bunny once and it tried to escape, kind of scratched me in it's struggle and ran away. This bunny was so calm. The lady put the bunny down, left, came back with a box, caught the bunny again and took it home. This lady was pure. Animals have a very strong sense of human intention, and this lady was nothing but good, and you could tell. It rekindled my thoughts on the true connection humans have between animals, of course, the human must know it as well.

Today.

I was at the bus stop this morning, minding my own business. (Yes, another Public Transportation Crazy story.) A man, obviously homeless and perhaps a bit buzzed, comes up to me and starts talking to about God.
"God is one and alone."
And all this stuff about being blessed, and Jebus dying for our sins, then hiding in a cave and decided to come out and play again a few days later after the kids were being mean to him. I did not say one word nor did I even make eye contact. In my mind, I wanted to say, "I'm sorry, but you're wasting your time, I don't believe in your God." But I decided to keep quiet.
This is getting annoying.
But I don't care anymore, I just ignore it.

Finally.

Life feels fresh, new again, and I am enjoying it.

I've decided that reality just wasn't cutting it for me, so I'm living in my own world. Although my own world is surrounded by the reality that I cannot escape, it does not mean I have to submerge myself into it. I can be where I want, and at this moment, I'm learning more and more things about my own mind. What I thought I couldn't control before I can now. But my mind is not the only thing within me that I have some sort of control over now, there is also...

Well, as long as I know, then all is well.

Life is finally good again. It has been for about a good couple weeks now. This usually means something bad is gonna happen soon, not something super drastic and completely terrible, but something rather inconvenient or that I really didn't want to happen, let's hope I'm finally wrong about that.

'Tis but a dream.

Divide the lines that form our world
and divide those lines
and divide those lines
then divide those
and keep going until there is nothing left
but the thinnest line
opaque to the naked eye.

People are no different than each other.
The person behind the wheel of the Mercedes-Benz
is no different than the homeless person on the park bench.

Unfortunately
there is a line
and it's as visible
as a canyon;
gap between two cliffs
without a bridge.
Perhaps even more so.
Maybe two parallel planets
across from each other.
They must be connected
they can be connect
and only we can do that.
They need a bridge.
We must not build the bridge
rather we must be that bridge.
But that is only the beginning
the bridge will eventually merge the two
and all will be one
as it should.

Back to Reality

I was in San Francisco for the past few days.
First time there. No computer, people had laptops, I decided to wait.
So no blogs for the past few days, but I did buy a composition book in San Francisco to write in.
Unfortunately, I didn't write much, and what writing I did do was yesterday and today.
But here is what I have.

Friday, November 16th, 2007
Sometime between 7:30pm and 9:00pm.

The weather is cold.
but the Weather is great.
The fog, the mist,
the Golden Gate.
Beyond the reach
away from it all
unreal, yet so real.
The best of times,
I wear a smile.
This feels great
it's been a while.


Fictional thoughts from real places.

Free me of this prison.
This shell I call my home.
I call out! I call out!
Heed the warning!
Do not go beyond the path
that leads to Lovers' Lane.
The site of countless kisses
and Spanish soldiers slain.
Stay in the city
and out of the Presidio.
Less you wish
to keep your lives,
you will keep going.
But a word of advice:
The house is burning,
let it burn,
it isn't there,
so let it burn.

Saturday, November 17th, 2007
Sometime between 12:15pm and 1:15pm on the plane home.

A step out onto the porch
the walkway is there...
Under the porch light, staring if into the shadows
do I dare?
Yes.

I've done so
I needed a walk to breathe
and at 30,000 feet and descending
reality is slowly closing in.
It's reared it's face back into my sights.
Things will be different now
things will change...
or have changed, perhaps.
Four days away from reality.
Four days of care-free bliss.
But what is to become of life?
When you leave reality...
When you leave life...
it continues with or without you.
It is an already moving entity
and to join it
I must get a running start
or I'll have to catch up.
At this point
I think I will start over.

All the crazies seem to be on the bus...

On the bus today, another one again.
I got off the train and headed towards the stairs.
People were waiting for the bus, and it arrived.
Come a couple stops down, a man gets on the bus.
From the moment he stepped on the bus, he started to rant on about God and Jesus and how will the world ever be saved if we don't accept Jesus and God into our hearts.
Grade A Bullshit, no thank you very much.
I mean, nothing against religion or anything, but keep it to yourself.
You believe what you believe, and I respect that...
But don't force it down my throat.
If it's something you have to get other people to believe in by forcing it on them
then I don't want your bullshit force fed down my throat.
I mean, not only that, but he was a Christian saying Catholics don't know the truth.
It's like, not only are you force-feeding religion, but you're putting down others while you're at it.
The things people do on the street, the dirty stuff that people watch on TV.
And this guy was saying this all in spanish, so you could imagine.
Sigh. It really bugs, not that it affected me in anyway,
but I really hate when people do that.

We are our own destruction.

It's done.
It's over.
It wasn't done intentionally.
In the entry under this one,
I explain my idea of the blocked off reaches or our mind
and the ones that I have tapped.
There is one very important one that I didn't mention
that I wish I would have gotten to sooner.
I could have then easily avoided this.
But alas, it doesn't work that way.
That's not good.
The convalescence will take a lot of time,
and there will be a lot of collateral damage,
but I need you all very much to help me.
I need my friends, the one's I know will remain when the smoke has cleared
and the dust has blown over,
because I won't be able to make it out of this one alone.

Brace yourself, Erick, it's going to be a tough one.
Perhaps one of the toughest you'll ever have to face.


I'm glad I'm going to San Francisco on Wednesday, I'll need it.
It should help, and I'll see the damage come next week.


We are our own destruction,
likewise, We are our own creation.

My mind.

It's been weird lately.
Well, not so much just my mind,
but I won't go into detail.
It's just that,
hmm...well,

I'm starting to....

...quite a bit

but I don't know what to do
I've been told "Just Do It"
by more than just Nike commercials.
Friends.
They must know something I don't.
No, it's a process, sort of.
"Rome wasn't built in a day..."
is the one that's always used.
But neither was anything else.

When we were created
they made us complex.
A little too complex.
We have abilities and knowledge
that no other creature has,
but they didn't overlook that.
They put in the security checks,
to make sure it wouldn't all be used.
The codes can be cracked
we can tap into those reaches of our mind and body.
I guess it's been limited though.
Some they'll let you have, but the rest limited.
Limited, of course, granted you don't tap into them.
I'm not sure how to do it, I know I have tapped into some of them.
The one I'm completely sure about is the one surrounding my mind.
It's almost completely unnoticeable, but it's there.
The field around your mind preventing it from letting to much in or out.
My mind has changed.
My thoughts are exactly that now.
My thoughts.
My thoughts are my own.
It has caused arguments with my mother, and her accusing me of thinking that "just because you're 18, you think you can talk like this now."
I reply,
"No, it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm 18. It has to do with the fact that I realize I can form my own opinions."
Which is the simplified version I give her.
What it is is that I've realized that my mind is my own, my thoughts are my own, and not what this person says has to be believed.
I wouldn't argue with my mom about things like, disrespecting her or anything, but something like this:

I told her that if I came home, and I smelled like cigarettes, cause I had been smoking them, that I don't think I should get in trouble, because (this is where being 18 does come into play) I am 18 and can legally smoke cigarettes. Now, I would never smoke, maybe socially, and perhaps only one if even that, but I despise the things, besides, I always get my mom to stop smoking when she starts again. Anyway, she tells me that, you live with grandma (cause I do right now), it's her house, blah blah. rules.whatever. Point is, she doesn't realized that I've unclouded my mind, it really has nothing to do with turning 18, just thinking more.

If only those regions of the mind could be tapped,
we would all know too much,
and simply cease to exist.

But back to what I started on.
I'll see what I do,
and whatever I do
when I do
I hope it goes well.

Well...

Hmm...sometimes I wonder...

Everyone decides to things, and many times does life present you with a scenario or situation in which you must choose.

You always have a choice in everything, and when choices present themselves, it creates many different paths...

I wish I could venture off into each of the different paths that appear when you have to make a decision.

The path when you did do something, when you didn't do something, when you passed something up, took advantage of something, said these words instead of those, etc...

I wish i could just walk through each of those alternates and I'd see and know which one would be best to choose, but then I'd know.

I suppose I do prefer only having the path of the decision you did make, then you don't know what's coming next, and it makes for a slew of possibilities nonetheless.

I guess I'll just stick with that.

It's not like I have a choice in the matter...

Life In General

Interesting concept.
Quite humorous, in fact.

Hands

I was examining my hands today, and it was today I realized our hands haven't always been what they are. They were something else to begin with. Piece by piece they were cut out of the cloth we call our skin and over and over again did someone try to find a shape. Playing with patterns, trying to find the right fit. What would look good? Our hands aren't what we see them as. They were a never a whole, they were sewn together from the scrap that was left over after they crafted our bodies. They took what was left of the material and they cut pieces out. Look at your hands, and you can still see the stitches. Look at your wrists, and you will see where your hands were sewn on. This was a last minute addition. When the manufacturers saw all the left over cloth, they did not want to just leave it there. So they created the most useful things we have to date. It's a shame that oh too many times have and do people try to cut the stitching holding their hands to their wrists.

Fork

"As the surveyor of all knowledge in the known, and unknown, Universe, I ask you this; When you come to a fork in the road with no signs, which road do you take? Does it depend on where you're going? Is it a matter of where you want to be? How can I be sure?"

"Well... as a surveyor of all knowledge in the known, and presumably the unknown, Universe, I answer your question very simply. That is, with another question, why is there a fork in the road, and where are the spoon and knife that belong with it?"

"Umm...well, I don't believe you quite understand what I am asking. It's not literally a fork, like silverware, in the road, but where the road branches off, splits into two different roads. Which do I take?"

"Ah, I believe it's you who does not understand. When you come upon a fork in the road, you don't take either. You stand there. You stare. You look. Your vision adjusts to the surroundings. Only then, will you see, that it is not a fork in the road that you have come upon, but it is one single road, and it's only you who sees two. But if you do ever come across a fork in the road, pick it up, find a place to clean it, and put it in your satchel because you never know when you might need a fork for something. Handy tool."

With that, he walked away and came upon a fork in the road. He picked it up, found a small water hole to wash it in, put it in his satchel, and continued his journey..

Sometimes I Wonder About The World.

One day, I was at work. I was sweeping up and down the aisles and people were kindly clearing the way for me to sweep with smiles on their faces. I sweep down aisle nine; at the end, a mother and her two sons. One of the sons was older, probably about 16 or so, the younger one, maybe four or five. I was waiting kindly and patiently for them to finish finding what they were looking for and move. The mother moves out of the way, as does the older son, but the younger son is just standing there, and the mother says, "Jonathan! Move Jonathan!" Thank you, that's quite alright, he's OK, I'll wait. Then the, presumably, older brother says, "Move out of the way fatass." Granted, the child was slightly chubby, but that is completely normal, if not healthy for young children aged about four or five. However, I don't believe calling a four-year-old a fatass is a very smart idea. When this kid grows up and his parents wonder why he has self-esteem problems, why not ask the stupid brother.

I continue sweeping. I lost a little faith in the world after that situation.

A couple aisles down...

I see a couple and their daughter. The daughter is picking out things she wants and the parents are saying, "Okay! You want this one??", "No, you can't have that one, pick something else!" The mother and father look at each other in the most loving way I've ever witnessed a couple look at each other. They were a perfect picture.

I continue sweeping. After that situation I thought, "maybe things will be alright after all."

Another day.
I was at Borders.

A mother was buying her some books. He was very excited for the books. Nay, ecstatic; I mean this little kid was bouncing off the walls. His mother says, in a very playful, loving way, "Calm down, or I'm not gonna get you your books." It was superb.

Some faith in the world restored.

Then today.
I'm on the bus on my way home.
A homeless man walks onto the bus.
Probably hasn't showered for days or weeks, which would account for his smell.
He has an extra t-shirt with him. Black toe-nails, long dirty hair and beard. He wasn't particularly groomed for any occasion, be it formal, informal, casual or the junkyard ball. Also, perhaps, not quite right in the head, but that's not to say he wasn't, you couldn't tell. Kept quiet, mostly. So I'm in about the middle of the bus and the people in the front were muttering and whispering about this man, i assume. The second this man gets off the bus, my suspicions were confirmed. At least 6 people in the front of the bus were beginning to say particularly unkind things about the man who had just departed from the bus. A young girl sat in the seat he was at, with her arm on the t-shirt he had forgotten. She was wearing headphones. This guy gets up from the middle of the bus, goes up to her, asks her to take off her headphones and says, "You probably shouldn't sit there." She asks, "Why?" A woman responds, "You shouldn't, a dirty man was sitting there, watch out for that shirt too." They continued to say mean things. My bus stop was coming up soon. I get my stuff, walk up to the front, and wait for the bus to arrive at my stop.
I just had the urge to turn around and say, "Why don't you people put yourself and his shoes and say the things you said. Regardless of what he looks like, what he's wearing, what he smells like, you have no idea what the circumstances in his life are or have been, why it is that his life is like this. Underneath, we're all made of the same thing; flesh, blood and bones. Shut your mouths and open your eyes." Then I thought about it for a few seconds...slight pause..."Assholes."

Of course, over and over in my head did I think about turning around and saying this, I didn't, but now I wish I would have.

I was losing more faith in the world everyday.
Then i thought about,
"Well, the world's not doing anything but rotating and letting us inhabit it."

I'm losing more and more faith in people everyday.

Luckily enough, I know and talk to quite a few people who make me think that maybe there is a little bit of hope left for this world.

Spare change...

There are always "bums" on the street who ask for spare change.

I never give them any, if they want food, I'll buy them a meal.

"Do you have change?" asks the bearded man, covered with the dirt of showerless weeks of living on the streets with nothing more than the clothes on his back, which had already been soiled by several years worth of bad budgeting.

"I used to be someone." He mutters sullenly to himself.

"Do you have change?"

Can you spare yourself the change.

I've always thought how magnificently ironic the world is.

It takes a very long time to build something, but it takes mere seconds to destroy it.

Bummer.

NEW SEASON PILOT
doubt this will help any
cause i don't think anyone reads this blog
especially since i just made it recently
but
whoever happens to see this
vote for us
http://newseasonpilot.musicnation.com

thanks everyone
.erick.

Perfect Nonsense

I have found the conversation I had with Brian a while back, I shall share my short ramble on Perfect Nonsense.

what better than to make perfect nonsense?!?

some people just haven't grasped the concept of nonsense
because they're so used to something
something that makes perfect sense, or makes sense
so when it comes to nonsense, it throws them off balance
and what once was is now not
and what was not is now what is
it is so simply complicated that people cannot help but have trouble figuring it out even though they know exactly what it is

thus...perfect nonsense =]

In the beginning...

Decided to create a blog. I figured, why not, I need somewhere to write things anyway. Today was a pretty good day, this is of course going off my new definition of good. I guess I am going to plan things out a little more than I did before.And maybe I should finally really try new things, I guess only i really know what that means. Perhaps it will help, I hope so. But no matter what happens, it will never change. I am currently watching Goosebumps, it's been a looonngggg time and it happens to be on Cartoon Network, so I am watching it now.

The next blogs are bound to more creative, I suppose this was just an introduction.

.WELCOME.TO.MY.BLOG.